ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
how much does a mortician urn in a year
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.