This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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excuse me
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.