I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Trumpy Cat
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
mentally somewhere in italy
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment