*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”