*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?