people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.