Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What if all the cashiers are married?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
*has no idea what a book even is*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.