As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?