It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.