I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*offers Batman cough drops*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
me after eating Cheetos
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.