It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
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*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Can Happiness buy money?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?