Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING