[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*puts cutlery down*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY