Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.