[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.