May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I am never leaving this website
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should