My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork