[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.