Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Finally!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*