I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
And that about sums it up.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.