One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”