“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.