Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”