Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Autocorrect is my menesis
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.