How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.