lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.