Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.