Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Haha! 😂
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS