I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.