Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
You Might Also Like
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
looks legit
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!