<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Lmao
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.