me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I feel seen
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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