furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Waiting for the Charmin
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”