Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.