So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You Might Also Like
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
2023 was just a warmup
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe