o shit
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
…u ok Nintendo?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?