The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Webb. James Webb.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I love you…
…r dog.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE