Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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God, I love Scotland
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
when you don’t want to be too vague