in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.