Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”