Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.