They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I enjoy a good short stor
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
describing stardew valley
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds