Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars