1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Confused owl: What?!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.