OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round