I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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(more comics:
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background