Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.