“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.