Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.