It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My wedding will be open casket.